And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
