Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
