I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
