Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
