my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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