wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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