mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
