remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
