when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
tell me about the fingering
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