i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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