Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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