Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
