i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
