Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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