My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
