Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
