Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
