i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
