i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
