I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dicks are not precious.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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