so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she smelled like a LAN party
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
