Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
