If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
