if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Soap is not a condiment
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
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ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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