...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize