I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
