i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
