Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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