I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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