I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
