After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
