I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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