I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
