I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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