when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
