Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
