So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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