Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
