Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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