I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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