So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
