Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
