She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?