if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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