Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
