I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
