I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
