Soap is not a condiment
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
