He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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