Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
