does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.