You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
