are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
