3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
