I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
