I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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